Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
