ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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