If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
