Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
