I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
