my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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