she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
