i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
