I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
