You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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