For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i've created a new STD.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
