I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
