I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Come see our sink grown plant.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
