I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
