Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I believe in your delicious
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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