I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
