I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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