I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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