I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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