A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
