In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
