i permit you to call me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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