Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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