I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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