The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
