i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
