this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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