Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
