is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
