She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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