Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
