Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
