I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
