well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
