I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
