So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
