I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
