Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
