My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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