Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
