Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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