The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
