he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
