I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
