I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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