i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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