your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
