I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
