Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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