it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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