My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
