I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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