When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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