I can text with my tongue
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
