life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
